And So It Begins

     The official kick-off of my Year of Living Joyfully was two days ago on January 1. The idea was a good one - a new way of living to begin with the New Year. Sort of like a new year's resolution, but with a different twist. That different twist being the thoughtful, well-organized Plan for Joy that my daughter gave me for Christmas. After receiving the gift from her a few days before Christmas I  looked forward to the New Year and the kick-off with excited anticipation. This was going to be great!

     It did not begin well.

     The last few days of 2012 saw me sliding down into a deeper that usual sadness. A deep, almost paralyzing darkness enveloped me. I felt disconnected from God to the point of doubting if I have a real relationship with him at all. My wife and I fought with each other, which we don't do all that often. Neither she nor God seemed much like friends to me. I felt distant and lost. The only thing that seemed close was my despair that was all around and through me.

     Not a great way to begin a Year of Living Joyfully.

     I did, on the 1st, open up the Plan. The first assignment was to read a verse from the prophet Isaiah, one of my daughter's favorite verses, which is a prophecy of what Jesus would come to do. The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound (Isaiah 61:1). Then, having read this verse I was to think of one thing that day that had brought me Joy and record it in the journal.

     I couldn't. I couldn't think of one thing that had brought me Joy that day. And, even more, as I read the verse two or three times, I felt even farther away from Joy than ever. I didn't feel like any of those things were true for me. I was poor (in spirit), I was brokenhearted, I was captive (to my sadness) and felt imprisoned. I felt worse after reading that announcement of Jesus' ministry because I felt like he had not done any of these things for me.

     Today, two days later, the paralyzing darkness has lifted some. I can see some light and I can move again. From today's vantage point I can see that those feelings I had of distance and loss, of abandonment, of despair, were just that, feelings. They were not reality. God has not left me, he's keep his promise to never leave me or forsake me. My wife is still with me, pulling for me, encouraging me, praying for me, loving me. Today, that prophecy about the ministry of Jesus does seem, at least a little, like a promise to me. Today I choose to believe that Jesus has brought good news for me, he is binding up my broken heart, he has set me free. And, my prayer, for today, is that I will live and walk in that reality. That's where I have found Joy today, in holding on to those truths from Bible, that Jesus has set me free so, regardless of what I feel, I am free indeed.

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