Henri Nouwen wrote in Life of the Beloved that the greatest longings of our heart are expressed in the desire to belong, to be wanted, accepted, and embraced, both physically and emotionally. He wrote that, in his experience, the greatest pain of all comes from feeling rejected, ignored, despised or left alone. There is little that hurts more than when someone you loved and trusted abandons you or turns into an enemy. Nouwen wrote, the questions that come so naturally to mind are, "What's wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?" That's what makes it hurt so much, believing there is something wrong with us, that we are unworthy of love.
I vividly remember my high school experience, when I had an incredibly hard time making friends, of asking the same questions: What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to love me? Am I so impossible to love? Few things have hurt as badly. I've heard the same questions asked by rejected spouses in counseling sessions and always asked with a cry of great anguish.
I am convinced that this is the underlying feeling many of us have when we bring some painful situation to God for his help and he seems to remain silent. "Even God has rejected me, even God does not love me." It magnifies whatever suffering we face.
The Bible promises that we believers will have an abundant life. The Bible says that God is our best friend. The Bible tells us that he is always working for our good. Then something goes terribly wrong. Our marriage falls apart. Our child goes astray. We lose our job and become destitute. We are diagnosed with a chronic, painful disease. A loved one is maimed in a life-changing accident. God has told us to come to him with our requests. He has promised to care for us. So we pray. And then we pray some. And we keep praying. But nothing gets better. Many times things get much worse. And so we begin to wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why has God rejected me? Why am I so unlovable that even God won't come to my aid?"
There is little that hurts worse than to be rejected by a spouse, lover or friend. To be rejected by God, to feel that one is so unworthy or so unlovely that even God leaves you, is the most painful thing anyone could bear. Have you ever felt like that? I have.
If you are feeling like that now, then please take heart. Though you may feel as though God has abandoned you, he has not. He is working for your good, right now, in the midst of this painful suffering. He is working in you what theologians of another generation called a most difficult providence. He is using this terrible time, in which he takes no pleasure, to mold you in ways that, if you will cooperate with him, will make you so much better.
Nouwen also wrote that when he was able to experience his own suffering "as an expression of a need for total surrender to a loving God who would fulfill the deepest desires of heart, I started to live my dependency in a radically new way...I was able to live in urgent invitation to claim God's unconditional love for myself, a love I can depend on without any fear."
When God seems silent to our cries for help, he has not abandoned us or rejected us. That's a lie. He has not found us unworthy or unlovable. He is doing the hard work of shaping us into the people we need to be so that we can more fully receive his love and care. And, that's the truth.
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